Each of us has gone through something we never thought God would permit, something we prayed against. Perhaps it was cancer, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or the loss of a relationship.
I never had cancer, but I know what it’s like to be in that dark place, when I did not sense the presence of God. Years ago, I went through a very painful experience. For weeks and weeks, I kept asking Jesus, “Where are You in all of this? How do You feel about what I am going through?”
One night during prayer, as the darkness enveloped my heart, I once again asked Jesus the above questions. Hours later, I had a sense of Jesus saying to me, “Anne, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I’ll love you through this.” Now, the pain didn’t go away, but I knew I wasn’t alone in it. To know that Jesus was with me IN the darkness, sharing my pain gave me deep peace, great comfort, and the trust I needed to believe I would know healing and, in time, I did. That experience, that movement from darkness to light, deepened my awareness of the love and faithfulness of Jesus.
Like our patients, I don’t understand the “Why” of suffering. Pope Francis, while speaking to parents of disabled children stated, “Do not be afraid to ask, even to challenge the Lord. 'Why?' Maybe an explanation won’t come… but we will feel his gaze upon us and this will give us the strength to go forward…The most important thing is the gaze.”
May we have an open heart to feel the gaze; for our “God is close to the brokenhearted and those who are crushed in spirit, God saves.” (Ps. 34:19)
Let’s stay close; stay very close to Jesus, the Light IN our darkness.
Anne McCoy SSJ
Sister Anne is a chaplain at the Cancer Treatment Center of America and has been a spiritual and retreat director for the past 25 years.
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